This is a deep rut

Life has its ups and downs. I experience my little ruts just like everyone else. But, this rut I have been experiencing lately seems to be more than a little rut. It has been weeks (between 3 and 4) of irritation, emotions running wild, throbbing headaches, low self-esteem, lack of motivation, spells of silence lasting hours, stress over daily activities, anxiety of being around people and fatigue. All of these things are abnormal for my normally bubbly personality. Sure, I will have an off day here and there, but this is definitely something more and I cannot figure out the cause. My guesses are as abundant as my symptoms- is it work, relationship, living conditions, my upcoming senior year of college that are causing my weak psychological state? As sad as it is, this depression is effecting my whole life. I have been leaving work early, distant from loved ones and restless about my present and scared for my future.

I have had many attempts of treating myself- from shopping trips, to long drives, to watching inspirational movies, to talking with my friends, to lashing out at my boyfriend, to more shopping expeditions, to practicing yoga, to writing this blog post. But, none has seem to cure me yet.

I even went to the doctor to diagnose my headaches. But, my lack of confidence in doctors is even higher than my lack of confidence in myself lately. For he prescribed me a migraine medicine I refuse to take.

I just feel lost. I feel I don't have anything I am passionate about right now. How do I find my thing? How do I reclaim my life?

And the worst part, I am going through all this while giving up my beloved Diet Coke. AHHH... so tough. I'm on edge.